I find joy in writing, but, and this is the big thing, I find the most joy in sharing what I write. That's never going to change. I first realised this when I was at school. That was where I started writing my first 'serial'. I'd write new parts of the story each night for those who wanted to read it, and it was the best fun. I want to be able to do that again. It's definitely possible. Other people have done it, so there's no reason for me to think I can't, but, like I said before, I have to be patient. I have to take the time to build up the number of stories I have at the website. I have to accept that I can't do everything. Even though I want to be posting every day it's just not going to be possible, because I have so much else in my life. I only have so much energy and I have to accept that, as hard as it is. Unfortunately I'm just one of those people who wants to be able to do everything right now. I want to have all the stories in my mind written. There's so many of them in my mind and that's why there were so many beginnings. Giving myself the freedom to be more episodic in my writing, because that makes sense to me, has given me a lot of freedom. It's also made things harder, in a way, as I want to be writing even more than I was before.
The most important thing for this year, my main goal, is to get back into the habit of regular postings, in order to make it simpler to build up a readership. I will be posting complete stories, but, due to the episodic nature of what I do, those stories will always have something that comes next. I always have a reason for ending things when I do. Most of the time it's because I want to switch to another character and it makes sense to have their part come next. Of course that doesn't mean that things aren't happening at the same time, because they are, so there is likely to also be a part from the same character following that. Even now there are examples of that posted at the website. It's just the way I write and I don't mind that. I am who I am. That's not going to change. At the same time that's part of the reason I am always comparing myself - I don't write like other people. I'm never going to be following the self-publishing path that other people have. I am a crowdfunder at heart, I think, because that's what makes the most sense to me. That doesn't stop me from comparing myself to people who are doing the same sort of thing I am. I still find myself lacking. Maybe that will never change.
What I am going to do is keep reminding myself 'comparison is the thief of joy'. To be truly happy the best thing I can do is be who I am, and try not to see myself as never being good enough. Being me is good enough.
That's been resonating with me a lot recently. As a writer I compare myself to others, and, because of who I am, I find myself lacking in multiple ways. Of course it doesn't matter that people hire me as their ghostwriter for a reason - they like how I write. Honestly, for me, I think the main issue in the original fiction... even though I know logically that not being on Amazon, Smashwords, and the other big sellers is going to have an effect on how many people I can reach. My website is a tiny little place in the infinite world wide web, and it's going to take time to gain a readership. I just have to be patient. I just have to believe in my ability to write. Sadly, it's not that simple, which is one of the big reasons I thrive on feedback. Feedback, enjoyment of what I write, is what keeps me going, and is one of the big reasons I have a website. I want people to be able to comment on what they've read. I want to know what you like, what you don't like, if you want more of a particular character, setting, or world, and without that feedback I wither. Writing becomes one of the hardest things in the world.