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Three days in a row... fabulous. This isn't going to last though. Tomorrow Aaron comes home and life goes back to normal (well as normal as my 'family' gets. I shall be writing things on my laptop and then posting when I can get on the net. I hope he finds a job soon so I have freedom during the day.

That wasn't the reason for this post however. I was wondering about my need to get to know people. Most of the people I'm close to are either people I've met on the net or that I'm penpals with because I've had enough of trying to see what's behind a person's mask. I find with writing people are most honest and open. For some reason I don't believe people can lie when writing - they can tell stories but not lie. I'm not sure if it's a stupid belief or not. The only people I really spend time with are James, Mum and Nan; I only fully trust James because I feel I can't really trust my family most of the time.

Anyway if I add you as a friend it's because I want to get to know you. Maybe become friends. I want to make friends with 'real' people too but I'm terrified of being hurt again. James and I have had several discussions about the fact I don't really leave the house unless I'm going to Nan's and that I need to move on but it's not that easy for me. I'm working on moving on but it's going to take time. I need that time to strengthen myself again and become me again rather than some battered thing vaguely resembling the person I once was.

I really can't stick to a subject.


I've realized lately that I don't really have any RL friends either, besides my boyfriend, my brother and my mom (though I have quite a love/hate relationship with her). The most sincere people I know are from the net (and some of them are penpals) and generally they comfort me way more than RL friends could. I actually have stuff in common with them, you know. And I obviously spend more time on the internet than going out - which I'm not too proud of but anyway.
As far as freedom during the day goes - if you do need to escape you're always welcome to visit, and I should be free all next week. Brighton's not too far and while I don't have a lot of space there's always a futon for visitors:)

Friends - developing proper friends takes time. Trust needs time to develop. But the people you see and spend time with don't need to be the people you can trust absolutely. Just people you enjoy spending time with.

Thoughts of Cheesmotofu

Each winter the young tree loses its leaves and bows beneath the cold, icy grip of winter...

...in the spring it comes back greater, stronger, taller.