Entry 1 - rewritten about 17 times
I've tried to keep journals before. I'm useless at it. I have no idea why because I'm a writer by trade (well, sort of). It just seems like I'm incapable of writing about my own life. My life is so epically out of my control right now that I don't really want to admit it, even to myself sometimes. There are things that I planned on doing way before now that haven't happened and then there are things that I never believed could happen that have. I'm 21 (although my ditzy brain thinks I'm 22), I'm still living in the 'family' home, and I'm unemployed while dreaming of actually getting something published. Right now I should be working on my writing or studying but I just don't feel like it right now. It's been too long since I felt like writing. All I seem to do at the moment is glare at the telly as though it's the telly's fault that I feel so lost and depressed.
The one good permanent good thing is James. We're coming up to our four year anniversary. I'm amazed he's put up with me and my 'family' for so long. I honestly have no idea what I'd do without him. He puts up with all my moods (most of which are bad at the moment) and with the insomnia that I suffer from most of the time. Of course there are days when I'd quite like to throw him out of the window because he can be so annoying. I know he's only annoying because he's showing me the things I hate about myself but that doesn't change my annoyance with him.
Along with the mood swings and insomnia I also have a bad knee. I think it's from where I ran into a glass pane door knee first, even though that happened nearly a year ago. I should really go to the doctor's but I think they're all useless.
This week has been better. My 'step-father' is currently in Malta because of circumstances out of his control (his Mum broke her hip while on holiday - I do feel sorry for her but I'm so so happy that he's gone). For the first time in almost a year I'm actually comfortable living in my own home. I know it's not going to last so I'm making the most of it. I've been sleeping properly, which ironically is making me feel stupidly tired, and I'm actually relaxed. Of course I never truly relax - my body is always on stress alert - but for me I'm absolutely relaxed.
Having the house to myself while Mum is at work gives me the chance to make the most of having the net. That is why I'm starting this blog and searching for friends. If I wasn't doing this I'd be staring at the computer screen waiting for the Hunter's Horn on Mousehunt and refreshing my email. There's nothing else for me to do apart from play games and I need to be productive. I have things I need to do so writing this may lead to me doing something useful... maybe. I've got hundreds of letters to write because I'm really behind as a penpal - I wish I could just stare at the paper and think the letter at it - so that's one thing on the list.
To be honest this entry was just going to be about my plans for the next couple of months but I seem to have hit the ramble button. I do that sometimes.
- Focus on the present and stop wondering about the future.
- Complete all letters (by the end of February)
- Finish a couple of first drafts
- Study more
- Try to do more tarot readings
- Work out my pagan path rather than just drifting