I'm fed up with putting a subject... lol
Sometimes I feel like I don't have emotions. I just shut off. The only two things I really feel right now are anger (most of which gets focused at James even though it's not his fault) or absolute depression. It's been a long time since I've hit that big black pit, thank whoever it is that's currently looking over me, but I'm still having major problems. I don't know if these are problems related to the last eleven (ish) years or my childhood. If it is related to my childhood (if I can count those years as a childhood) then I really need to find a way to get my memories of that time back. I've been thinking about writing a history of me but I think I'd probably bore everyone. It would be good for me though, I think.
I feel really bad when I complain about my life. I know in relation to some people I've had a really good life but sometimes it's overwhelming for me. If things hadn't of happened the way they did then I would be a different person. I'm just not sure how different I would be. Right now I wish I was more sociable, more open, more trusting and trusted people more. I am none of those things and it's pretty depressing.
Maybe I could force myself to socialise. I just don't think it would do me any good right now. Trying to connect with people I have barely anything in common with is so very difficult for me most of the time. The silly thing is I like people in general. It would be nice to have people in my life I felt I actually had something to talk to them about. Most of the people I know don't often sit and have philosophical or religious discussions, which is what I really need. I need to be able to be open about who I am.
I've been thinking a lot today about religious things; about the deities that are appearing in my life; about the totem animals I believe I have. Right now I'm strangely annoyed at the fact I believe one of my main totem animals is the wolf – it's so cliché. I don't want to be a cliché. I just feel this connection so deeply that I know I'm right. Then there's my worry about the eclectic collection of deties that seem to be becoming a part of my life. How do I connect to Greek culture? I'm not Greek and yet there is a huge group of Greek deities that seem to want to be a part of my life. Then there's Bast. I connect even less to the Egyptian culture, even though I've always been obssessed with studying it (a long story connected to moving schools – I studied the Tudors three times!).And the newest one is Epona who is finally a Goddess I belive I should be connecting with because she's Celtic. The only problem is the fact she's a horse Goddess and I don't understand why I have a new, random, connection to horses. It's kind of confusing. I want to know what is happening but right now I can't. My energy is all over the place so doing anything like that probably wouldn't work out.
The way I feel now is the reason I want a two storey house. At least then I wouldn't be so close to Aaron and having to deal with his energy suckiness. Whenever he's in the house I always feel like crap. I'm still ill as well which isn't helping. If I could be upstairs, a whole floor away from him, I think I'd feel better. Of course this could just be wishful thinking because we haven't lived in a two storey house for years (I think around 7 or 8 years).
They went to see a place last night but thankfully it wasn't any good. It was right in Bognor town and that's somewhere I really don't want to live. It's a long drive for James if I'm in Bognor so he wouldn't be able to come over so often. I'll also be further away from Nan and I don't want that. I like being able to walk up there whenever I want. They have to find a place in Pagham.
James and I got into an argument. I didn't see him today but he rang me to tell me about the problem he was having with his bank card and proceeded to change our plans for the day. He knows I hate it when he does that – I need structure in my life. It was of course somebody else's fault for not contacting him though. That wasn't why we argued, even though I told him changing our plans wasn't going to make me happy. We got into an argument because he's drinking more than he has done in the rest of our relationship (it's been going on for about the last six months) and I worry about him drinking too much. He says he understands why but I don't really think he does. If he did understand my worries he wouldn't make me feel so paranoid and stupid. To him it's all a part of being young so he acts as though he has a right to binge drink 'sometimes'. I just don't get it. Drinking is bad.
Feel free to disagree with me on that.
I've got some new art materials. I found some pearlescent medium that I hope will work and some pretty metallic acrylics. Tonight I'm going to buy some other materials, such as paper, canvasses and pastels. Then when I'm not writing I can focus on my art. I just hope I can draw the things I want to draw without screwing them up. I got a new putty rubber because I know I'll go wrong and can't wait to use it. I've always loved putty rubbers. At some point I need to get my watercolours out again but they remind me a lot of Granddad.