Well this week, so far, hasn't been very productive for me at all. There are things I want (need is probably the better word) to do but I just can't do them. I'm not entirely sure what is that's stopping me. Being locked in my room just in case something happens isn't helping and not eating anything apart from crisps and sweets isn't really making my energy levels rise. I am tired; I am hungry; and my emotions have stopped working... again.
Sometimes I feel like I don't have emotions. I just shut off. The only two things I really feel right now are anger (most of which gets focused at James even though it's not his fault) or absolute depression. It's been a long time since I've hit that big black pit, thank whoever it is that's currently looking over me, but I'm still having major problems. I don't know if these are problems related to the last eleven (ish) years or my childhood. If it is related to my childhood (if I can count those years as a childhood) then I really need to find a way to get my memories of that time back. I've been thinking about writing a history of me but I think I'd probably bore everyone. It would be good for me though, I think.
I feel really bad when I complain about my life. I know in relation to some people I've had a really good life but sometimes it's overwhelming for me. If things hadn't of happened the way they did then I would be a different person. I'm just not sure how different I would be. Right now I wish I was more sociable, more open, more trusting and trusted people more. I am none of those things and it's pretty depressing.
Maybe I could force myself to socialise. I just don't think it would do me any good right now. Trying to connect with people I have barely anything in common with is so very difficult for me most of the time. The silly thing is I like people in general. It would be nice to have people in my life I felt I actually had something to talk to them about. Most of the people I know don't often sit and have philosophical or religious discussions, which is what I really need. I need to be able to be open about who I am.
I've been thinking a lot today about religious things; about the deities that are appearing in my life; about the totem animals I believe I have. Right now I'm strangely annoyed at the fact I believe one of my main totem animals is the wolf – it's so cliché. I don't want to be a cliché. I just feel this connection so deeply that I know I'm right. Then there's my worry about the eclectic collection of deties that seem to be becoming a part of my life. How do I connect to Greek culture? I'm not Greek and yet there is a huge group of Greek deities that seem to want to be a part of my life. Then there's Bast. I connect even less to the Egyptian culture, even though I've always been obssessed with studying it (a long story connected to moving schools – I studied the Tudors three times!).And the newest one is Epona who is finally a Goddess I belive I should be connecting with because she's Celtic. The only problem is the fact she's a horse Goddess and I don't understand why I have a new, random, connection to horses. It's kind of confusing. I want to know what is happening but right now I can't. My energy is all over the place so doing anything like that probably wouldn't work out.
The way I feel now is the reason I want a two storey house. At least then I wouldn't be so close to Aaron and having to deal with his energy suckiness. Whenever he's in the house I always feel like crap. I'm still ill as well which isn't helping. If I could be upstairs, a whole floor away from him, I think I'd feel better. Of course this could just be wishful thinking because we haven't lived in a two storey house for years (I think around 7 or 8 years).
They went to see a place last night but thankfully it wasn't any good. It was right in Bognor town and that's somewhere I really don't want to live. It's a long drive for James if I'm in Bognor so he wouldn't be able to come over so often. I'll also be further away from Nan and I don't want that. I like being able to walk up there whenever I want. They have to find a place in Pagham.
James and I got into an argument. I didn't see him today but he rang me to tell me about the problem he was having with his bank card and proceeded to change our plans for the day. He knows I hate it when he does that – I need structure in my life. It was of course somebody else's fault for not contacting him though. That wasn't why we argued, even though I told him changing our plans wasn't going to make me happy. We got into an argument because he's drinking more than he has done in the rest of our relationship (it's been going on for about the last six months) and I worry about him drinking too much. He says he understands why but I don't really think he does. If he did understand my worries he wouldn't make me feel so paranoid and stupid. To him it's all a part of being young so he acts as though he has a right to binge drink 'sometimes'. I just don't get it. Drinking is bad.
Feel free to disagree with me on that.
I've got some new art materials. I found some pearlescent medium that I hope will work and some pretty metallic acrylics. Tonight I'm going to buy some other materials, such as paper, canvasses and pastels. Then when I'm not writing I can focus on my art. I just hope I can draw the things I want to draw without screwing them up. I got a new putty rubber because I know I'll go wrong and can't wait to use it. I've always loved putty rubbers. At some point I need to get my watercolours out again but they remind me a lot of Granddad.
Nan thinks I should get rid of some of my books.I don't understand why she thinks this. I've spent a lot of money and time on gathering my collection of books so why would I want to get rid of any of them. Yes they take up a lot of space in my room but to be absolutely honest I'm not bothered that I have piles of books everywhere in my room. I would prefer it of they were on a bookcase – there just isn't any space for another bookcase in this room. Yes there's a lot of them but that's because I want to have a lot of books. Books make me happy. If I'm not reading a book then I'm trying to write one. Why is it that I have so many people around me that don't understand why I want to have so many books and why I keep buying them? It's not like reading a book is the end of owning a book. There's the strange joy of putting them into an order, my order is books I love most to books I don't like quite so much. I have put some books into 'storage' (which is three boxes of books currently in the spare room) and it's really irritating because I've put some of the books I now want to read into those boxes. Then there's rereading the whole series when a new book comes out. I feel the need to get to know all the characters again because they become friends in a way. Then of course there's the 'getting attached' to characters that happens quite often with me. I'm the girl that will sit there sobbing my hurt out if something happens to one of my favourite characters (such as Kisten in Kim Harrison's books) or laughing at one of my favourite characters doing something especially funny (such as Silk in David and Leigh Eddings' Belgariad and Mallorean). They all mean something to me even if they don't actually exist.
Maybe that's why I have so much trouble with real life. Can anyone think of an illness caused by reading too many books? Suffering from bookwormitis? Being allergic to people who aren't technically made of paper? Lol.
I'm sitting here right now staring at the books around my room, wondering why there are such people as non-readers. I've been reading ever since I was a child and I remember reading every book that my school owned by the time I turned eight. That was the only reason I was glad to leave my old school – I got to read new books. Now I read at the speed of light and find that I can't put a book down once I've started it. I'll promise myself I'll just read a couple of chapters and the next thing I know I've read the whole books. It's really irritating.
James took me to the scrap yard today. We go there quite often because the car is twenty years old and has a habit of falling apart on a regular basis. Thankfully James is a very good mechanic. Between us we even replaced the gearbox. His dad wants him to get rid of his car and get a new one. I think it's because he wants his other son, James' older brother Kevin, to have a car and wants James to give Kevin our Volkswagen Golf so he doesn't have to buy a car. I've told James that we're not giving Kevin the Golf no matter what because the car he owns is still in Russia because he can't drive yet and I don't want the car that James loves so much stuck in the middle of nowhere. We'll probably going to turn it into our project car and make it into a GTi.
Over the last few days I've found my writing abilities have come back. I was going to write some short stories to post on LJ but I seem incapable of writing a short story. I had a really good idea for a short story that turned into a novel in the space of about ten minutes. It would be nice to write a short story but I need a subject and a word limit. If anyone has any ideas they'd like me to write the send them to me with a word limit and I'll see what I can do. I'm probably going to post my first chapters on LJ just to see what people think of my characters and storylines because if some people like them then hopefully a publisher somewhere will.
I've got to focus on my letter writing for a while. I'm going to try to write two letters a day until I've caught up because I've been a really bad penpal recently. Writing letters has been really difficult recently, unless I've really cared about the person I was writing to. There are a few of those so I've managed to keep up with them but there are a whole group of people I just don't really connect with and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm thinking of getting hold of some anime to watch but I have no idea what I'm looking for. If anyone had any recommendations for me let me know. I'm thinking of starting to hire some DVDs because there are films I want to see but don't want to buy the DVD. I never should have bought Twilight. All I did was sit there and complain about how bad the film was so I don't want to do that with other films. If I like the films I watch I may buy them but I have a habit of watching a film once and then losing all interest.
On a random note Eric from the Sookie Stackhouse novels was in my dream last night. I haven't read the books in ages so it was weird but I think it comes from thinking about the novel where Eric looses his memory. I really want Eric and Sookie to get together properly at some point – Bill always irritated me for some reason.
I've stopped doing my tarot card of the day thing while I'm ill. I don't think that I have as good a connection with them when I'm ill and I don't really want to sneeze on them. I'm not sure if I'm going to take it up when I'm better – please be soon – or after we've moved house. If we take forever to move then I'll probably start again before we move. I'm after some new decks but I don't want to buy any more because I do have quite a few of them. It would be nice to have some sort of computer program with lots of decks on so I can do readings on my netbook. I don't know how well that would work but I like the idea.
Oh, and Aaron's home. I think I mentioned him being at work and that he should be gone for two months. I should have known better than to open my big mouth. On Friday he was told that he was no longer needed (long story behind that) so he's home again now. It's really very annoying but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he either finds another job soon or that we'll find a nice two storey house to live in so I won't have to put up with his abuse any more.
This week has been awful. I've had a cold all week and it's made me absolutely useless. If I'm not coughing then I'm sneezing; if I'm not sneezing I can't breath; and I'm not sleeping well because I'm either waking up not being able to breath or because I'm having weird dreams (one of which I'm tempted to turn into a story). It's depressing to say the least – I hate being ill and the timing is atrocious. I should really be packing but the thought of packing in this state fills me with dread. I actually did the washing up today (mostly because Aaron was being his usual lovely self wandering round and putting me down because 'she hasn't even done the washing up'). The thing is I hate complaining about having something as small as a cold but it really has knocked me for six for some reason. I'm guessing it's probably stress and my body going 'relax Kayleigh or you're going to make yourself really sick'.
James has been in the process of applying to join the RAF as a pilot, which is a major hassle. He needed to get his medical records, because he has an enlarged vertebrae in his neck, so he went to the doctor's and they said he needed some sort of consent form from the RAF. Although he trusted me when I told him he has automatic access to HIS medical records he still contacted the RAF for help, just in case there was something he needed from them. They didn't reply to his first letter so he sent them another one and they rang him to tell him what he needed to do, while also managing to tell him he was an idiot for not knowing better (or at least that was what I got from it). When he finally got hold of his medical records, which cost him £16 (conartists!!), and sent them via Royal Mail who then promptly lost them. He didn't send it Special Delivery or anything because he assumed it would get there safely – and hindsight is a wonderful thing. Then a couple of days after they ring him to say they haven't got his records he gets a letter saying he can't join as a pilot until 2013 (as long as he has no symptoms anytime in the next three years) because he has hayfever. Why could they have not told him this when they told him they needed his medical records? It seems like such a waste of time and effort. He's going to reapply as an engineer but the neck thing could still be a problem. Either way it's taking so much time.
I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, even though my brain hurts from all the coughing. This may turn into a very long ramble, especially as my brain doesn't seem to want to work right at the moment, as I've got a lot of things on my mind that I need to get out on paper.
On Saturday I saw one of my real life friends and it made me realise why I don't socialise. It was nice to actually see someone other than James or my family but it reminded me that I don't really have anything in common with anyone I was once friends with in college or the people I still am friends with now. To be honest I can't be bothered spending time on people I have nothing in common with and have to act like I'm someone else whenever I spend time with them. It's like I have this happy confident mask on that hides all my insecurities so people will never know the real me. There were some people I wasn't confident telling about my beliefs and I don't remember ever mentioning my past because I learnt a long time ago that people don't always believe the truth, especially if they haven't lived through any difficulties. It was as though there was one Kayleigh living college life and one Kayleigh living home life. James was, and still is, the only person who got to see behind that mask. I even use it on Nan and Mum so they don't pry too deep into things I don't feel are their business. Sometimes I wonder if I should even bother spending time with people because they don't know the real me. I just don't know how to change it.
It makes me wonder if my past really has affected me adversely. I know I went through situations that really weren't normal but I can't really tell if they changed me because I can't remember anything ever being different. Right now I'm having trouble finding the right words to use. I know there are people who went through situations that were a lot worse than mine (I'm dating one of them) so I don't want anyone to think I'm looking for sympathy. Sympathy isn't really something that will help, mostly because it irritates me. It's just I know my childhood was difficult to say the least: the things I witnessed before I was eight were definitely not something the average eight-year-old saw; then after a year of bring bullied for being too honest about my past (I was so naïve then) Mum moved into a house with a verbally abusive bully. Sometimes I wonder if I should try out counselling but I know I'd have major trouble talking to them. Talking to 'outsiders' has always been one of my problems because I've had it drummed into me that family problems should stay in the family. That's why I write things down – then it's technically not talking about my problems. Maybe that's part of the reason I spend most of my time writing. I think I can find some of the answers if I start looking inside myself (eg. more meditation, etc.) but then I wonder if I can ever find all the answers by myself.
Oh, yeah. James and I had our four year anniversary on the 26th of February. Yay, happiness.
The latest on the house is that the landlord has to give us longer than two weeks notice before he knocks down half the house. He wants to remove the extension, which includes my room, the lounge, the utility room, two conservatories and the porch, leaving us with something that would never be big enough to live in for us. We've collected so much crap over the years that we need more space than that. He also wants to get rid of the shed, the garage and the pond (the pond I'm really annoyed about because there's a family of newts in there that are doing really well). That will leave us with a 'two' bedroom bungalow about the size of a doll's house. I'd probably be plunked into the dining room, which is smaller than my room now so I don't actually think my furniture would fit; all the lounge furniture would have to go into the spare room which is a lot smaller than the lounge now; and we wouldn't have a washing machine as the only plumbing space is in one of the conservatories that he wants to knock down.
Thankfully Mum has decided the best plan of action is to look for somewhere else even if we do get some extra time to get sorted. There's no way we'd fit into what was left of the house. The extension isn't that well built but it gives us the space we need for a comfortable family home. If I was to move into the dining room I'd have to get rid of half the furniture I just bought to give me more storage space as I didn't have enough. The room itself is only just big enough for the dining room table and one storage thingy so trying to fit in a bed and bedroom furniture would be like playing tetris. I probably wouldn't actually be able to walk through the room by the time I'd got everything in. Then we'd have to find somewhere to put the dining table.
I am glad Mum decided to make the decision to move, even though moving itself is so stressful. It just feels like the right time for me now that I've had time to think about it. Something about the timing and how what my daily tarot cards have been make me think this is going to be good for me. I know it will be good for me if we find an actual house rather than a bungalow. The last two places we've been in have been bungalows and I think the time living in them have been the worst in my life. At least if we have an upstairs I won't have to listen to Aaron all the time.
Right now I'm still waiting for boxes as I don't have any. Then I'll have to pack everything up. At least I have my netbook and I can keep the Gamecube out as it has it own bag to travel in. Everything else will have to be packed up ready for whenever they find somewhere for us to go. There were a couple of nice places in the paper yesterday so we might even be out by the end of next week. It's all happened so fast that I'm still sort of dazed. However we have been through this before in the bungalow before this one so I know it's something we're capable of coping with.
In my 'family' we pull together in times of crisis and then when the crisis ends everything goes back to normal. That's what happened last week when Aaron was in Malta and it's what's going to happen now. I kinda like it when we're having a crisis because it means I get some freedom. Sometimes I wonder if I cause these crisises by wanting some freedom or whether it's just fate.
Moving should also be good for my spiritual work. I'm hoping we might be able to go back to the house I felt most comfortable in but I don't think it's going to happen (Saxon Close). We lived there when I first started studying witchcraft and it always felt like the house was welcoming my studies. That was the house where I had my first spiritual crisis and decided to become a Christian (which lasted about two months before I realised where my heart lay). Sometimes I think that crisis has something to do with my wonders about whether there really is some creative being out there who planned everything or not. I think the Big Bang might have been said creative being trying out some chemistry experiments.
When I think about the Big Bang I wonder if there were multiple Bangs that could have created parallel universes. I wonder what my parallel Kayleigh's would be doing. One Kayleigh is probably still living with Mum and Trevor so I feel very sorry for her, especially as she never met the lovely James; another is living in Berkshire with Mum and Aaron, still missing the lovely James; while a third is probably still living in Saxon Close and has met James (I kinda wish I was her but then there may have been other things that happened to her).
In times of stress I seem to get like this. It makes me wonder what things would be like if these crisises didn't happen and how different decisions would change the way life goes. Whenever I make a decision I try to go with the flow, then look back and wonder how things would have been different if I hadn't made the decision. If I hadn't of decided to go to college rather than staying at sixth form (I hated school so why would I spend another two years there?) then I wouldn't have met James. What would life have been like without James? Sad and lonely or would I have got with someone else?
I wish I could go back and see how different decisions do affect things.