Tags: friends

The Past

This morning I've been thinking about the past and how much things have changed. It's bad for me really because I have a habit of putting on the rose tinted specs and seeing how much better things were then. Things really weren't better then, even though I had a lot more 'friends' than I do now. Maybe that's the reason I'd rather not push myself into having a real life friendship now – I know how much of an influence the people you spend time with can be and I need time to be myself without wearing a mask or pretending to be someone I'm not.

About four years ago I lost almost all the people I called friends. Even now I'm not quite sure exactly what I did to be treated like that but my best friend of five years said I wasn't worth the effort any more. I might have kept a few more friends but I was too scared to find out who would actually talk to me. I'm sure something must have been said about me, behind my back, and no-one gave me the chance to dispute whatever had been said. My best friend had ditched me before that for 'poking my nose in' because I was worried that she something had happened between her and another friend but I got the tone wrong as she was actually talking about the friend and her boyfriend. I even said that I'd obviously got it wrong but that still led to best friend ditching me. She didn't even give me a chance to tell her what had happened from her point of view.

I guess I wasn't easy to get along with during secondary school. Life seemed almost entirely overwhelming and I wasn't dealing with it in the best way. I would swear I was depressed, but I never went to the doctor's about it then so I'll never know. When I got the chance I'd drink to forget my problems, even though it actually caused a lot more problems and didn't really make anything better. Then when I wasn't drinking I was doing something even more stupid but I'm not going to go into that now. It'll just make me sad for the rest of the day and I want to be able to write. During the summer holidays I was almost entirely anti-social because I preferred to spend the time writing.

Then at college I moved on and made new friends. There wasn't really anything else I could do. Looking back I think that losing my friends was a good thing because I would never have got with James otherwise. I was worried about what they'd think if I got with someone like James, although I don't know why. There is nothing wrong with my boyfriend even though he's had a really troubled childhood. Sure he's not perfect but that doesn't change the fact I love him for who he is.

During school they were good friends and I was a moody cow. That hasn't really changed even now but I am learning to deal with my moods better. It's always been hard for me to deal with my feelings and actually talk to people about them. I can still remember some days when I'd walk to the bus stop alone, feeling like I was the extra cog. It seemed like everyone had couple off whether it was with a closest friend or a boyfriend and I felt absolutely alone. It wasn't something I felt I could really tell anyone about, even though they were my friends. Shutting off was always easier, at least until my shield broke and I ended up crying over something absolutely pointless.

Even now I still do it. I am working on talking to James about how I'm feeling when I'm feeling it rather than letting everything bubble under the surface until I burst but it's not easy.

Random post

Three days in a row... fabulous. This isn't going to last though. Tomorrow Aaron comes home and life goes back to normal (well as normal as my 'family' gets. I shall be writing things on my laptop and then posting when I can get on the net. I hope he finds a job soon so I have freedom during the day.

That wasn't the reason for this post however. I was wondering about my need to get to know people. Most of the people I'm close to are either people I've met on the net or that I'm penpals with because I've had enough of trying to see what's behind a person's mask. I find with writing people are most honest and open. For some reason I don't believe people can lie when writing - they can tell stories but not lie. I'm not sure if it's a stupid belief or not. The only people I really spend time with are James, Mum and Nan; I only fully trust James because I feel I can't really trust my family most of the time.

Anyway if I add you as a friend it's because I want to get to know you. Maybe become friends. I want to make friends with 'real' people too but I'm terrified of being hurt again. James and I have had several discussions about the fact I don't really leave the house unless I'm going to Nan's and that I need to move on but it's not that easy for me. I'm working on moving on but it's going to take time. I need that time to strengthen myself again and become me again rather than some battered thing vaguely resembling the person I once was.

I really can't stick to a subject.

Facebook again

A school friend of mine uploaded an old school photo and it got me thinking. It feels like school ended decades ago, rather than just over four years ago, because things have changed so much. Friendships that seemed like they'd stand the test of time fell at the first hurdle once school was over. I wouldn't say that I regret them ending, not with the use of hindsight, but I still wish I knew exactly what it was that made them decide I wasn't worth their time any more.

Do I miss them being in my life? There's no easy answer to that.

If things were still the same would I be who I am now? I don't think I would be. When I was with them I was always wondering what they thought of me and whether I was doing things 'right'. Without them I feel like I can finally be me. However that could just be a lesson learned with time rather than losing my friends. If I'm honest I do miss them, in a way. It feels as though my past has disappeared along with them.

Do I think that I could ever be friends with them again? Everything depends. There are those who I took the easy way out with by avoiding them just in case and I would like to talk to them about what happened. There are those who I feel I need explanations from and then it's a case of whether I could trust them again.

Do I think they want to be friends with me again? Some of them, maybe. I don't think we'd ever be the same as we were but then that's not the point really. I think what really matters is whether they could move on and take the chance with me. I'm not the same Kayleigh I was back in 2005/2006.

The thing that really makes me think about this is James. When he left Southampton he had to leave his friends behind. After a couple of years he found them again on Myspace and Facebook but things aren't the same any more. They've all moved on without him and I'm the one who holds him when he cries over the people he lost. I wish I could magically make things better again for him because without his friends he feels worthless, as though he's not worth anyone's time.

He was the one who held me at the beginning of our relationship so I'm glad to return the favour. It's strange how things change. I've had the ability to move on and put the pain behind me but James can't. I don't know if it's because he never had any closure or simply because he's terrified of leaving what little childhood he had behind.

However I didn't start this note to talk about James. It's about me. It's about those things I had to leave behind a long time ago and still wonder why. If that happened to me again I wouldn't run from what had happened but face it. I have the courage to do that now because I know who I am. For that I have to thank James. That man gets everywhere. If it wasn't for James and our relationship I'd probably never have moved on and had the ability to be me because he's shown me that I am a good person and that I don't have to put a mask on to be liked.