Tags: moving

I'm fed up with putting a subject... lol

Well this week, so far, hasn't been very productive for me at all. There are things I want (need is probably the better word) to do but I just can't do them. I'm not entirely sure what is that's stopping me. Being locked in my room just in case something happens isn't helping and not eating anything apart from crisps and sweets isn't really making my energy levels rise. I am tired; I am hungry; and my emotions have stopped working... again.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have emotions. I just shut off. The only two things I really feel right now are anger (most of which gets focused at James even though it's not his fault) or absolute depression. It's been a long time since I've hit that big black pit, thank whoever it is that's currently looking over me, but I'm still having major problems. I don't know if these are problems related to the last eleven (ish) years or my childhood. If it is related to my childhood (if I can count those years as a childhood) then I really need to find a way to get my memories of that time back. I've been thinking about writing a history of me but I think I'd probably bore everyone. It would be good for me though, I think.

I feel really bad when I complain about my life. I know in relation to some people I've had a really good life but sometimes it's overwhelming for me. If things hadn't of happened the way they did then I would be a different person. I'm just not sure how different I would be. Right now I wish I was more sociable, more open, more trusting and trusted people more. I am none of those things and it's pretty depressing.

Maybe I could force myself to socialise. I just don't think it would do me any good right now. Trying to connect with people I have barely anything in common with is so very difficult for me most of the time. The silly thing is I like people in general. It would be nice to have people in my life I felt I actually had something to talk to them about. Most of the people I know don't often sit and have philosophical or religious discussions, which is what I really need. I need to be able to be open about who I am.

I've been thinking a lot today about religious things; about the deities that are appearing in my life; about the totem animals I believe I have. Right now I'm strangely annoyed at the fact I believe one of my main totem animals is the wolf – it's so cliché. I don't want to be a cliché. I just feel this connection so deeply that I know I'm right. Then there's my worry about the eclectic collection of deties that seem to be becoming a part of my life. How do I connect to Greek culture? I'm not Greek and yet there is a huge group of Greek deities that seem to want to be a part of my life. Then there's Bast. I connect even less to the Egyptian culture, even though I've always been obssessed with studying it (a long story connected to moving schools – I studied the Tudors three times!).And the newest one is Epona who is finally a Goddess I belive I should be connecting with because she's Celtic. The only problem is the fact she's a horse Goddess and I don't understand why I have a new, random, connection to horses. It's kind of confusing. I want to know what is happening but right now I can't. My energy is all over the place so doing anything like that probably wouldn't work out.

The way I feel now is the reason I want a two storey house. At least then I wouldn't be so close to Aaron and having to deal with his energy suckiness. Whenever he's in the house I always feel like crap. I'm still ill as well which isn't helping. If I could be upstairs, a whole floor away from him, I think I'd feel better. Of course this could just be wishful thinking because we haven't lived in a two storey house for years (I think around 7 or 8 years).

They went to see a place last night but thankfully it wasn't any good. It was right in Bognor town and that's somewhere I really don't want to live. It's a long drive for James if I'm in Bognor so he wouldn't be able to come over so often. I'll also be further away from Nan and I don't want that. I like being able to walk up there whenever I want. They have to find a place in Pagham.

James and I got into an argument. I didn't see him today but he rang me to tell me about the problem he was having with his bank card and proceeded to change our plans for the day. He knows I hate it when he does that – I need structure in my life. It was of course somebody else's fault for not contacting him though. That wasn't why we argued, even though I told him changing our plans wasn't going to make me happy. We got into an argument because he's drinking more than he has done in the rest of our relationship (it's been going on for about the last six months) and I worry about him drinking too much. He says he understands why but I don't really think he does. If he did understand my worries he wouldn't make me feel so paranoid and stupid. To him it's all a part of being young so he acts as though he has a right to binge drink 'sometimes'. I just don't get it. Drinking is bad.

Feel free to disagree with me on that.

I've got some new art materials. I found some pearlescent medium that I hope will work and some pretty metallic acrylics. Tonight I'm going to buy some other materials, such as paper, canvasses and pastels. Then when I'm not writing I can focus on my art. I just hope I can draw the things I want to draw without screwing them up. I got a new putty rubber because I know I'll go wrong and can't wait to use it. I've always loved putty rubbers. At some point I need to get my watercolours out again but they remind me a lot of Granddad.

Random mutterings and house news

The latest on the house is that the landlord has to give us longer than two weeks notice before he knocks down half the house. He wants to remove the extension, which includes my room, the lounge, the utility room, two conservatories and the porch, leaving us with something that would never be big enough to live in for us. We've collected so much crap over the years that we need more space than that. He also wants to get rid of the shed, the garage and the pond (the pond I'm really annoyed about because there's a family of newts in there that are doing really well). That will leave us with a 'two' bedroom bungalow about the size of a doll's house. I'd probably be plunked into the dining room, which is smaller than my room now so I don't actually think my furniture would fit; all the lounge furniture would have to go into the spare room which is a lot smaller than the lounge now; and we wouldn't have a washing machine as the only plumbing space is in one of the conservatories that he wants to knock down.

Thankfully Mum has decided the best plan of action is to look for somewhere else even if we do get some extra time to get sorted. There's no way we'd fit into what was left of the house. The extension isn't that well built but it gives us the space we need for a comfortable family home. If I was to move into the dining room I'd have to get rid of half the furniture I just bought to give me more storage space as I didn't have enough. The room itself is only just big enough for the dining room table and one storage thingy so trying to fit in a bed and bedroom furniture would be like playing tetris. I probably wouldn't actually be able to walk through the room by the time I'd got everything in. Then we'd have to find somewhere to put the dining table.

I am glad Mum decided to make the decision to move, even though moving itself is so stressful. It just feels like the right time for me now that I've had time to think about it. Something about the timing and how what my daily tarot cards have been make me think this is going to be good for me. I know it will be good for me if we find an actual house rather than a bungalow. The last two places we've been in have been bungalows and I think the time living in them have been the worst in my life. At least if we have an upstairs I won't have to listen to Aaron all the time.

Right now I'm still waiting for boxes as I don't have any. Then I'll have to pack everything up. At least I have my netbook and I can keep the Gamecube out as it has it own bag to travel in. Everything else will have to be packed up ready for whenever they find somewhere for us to go. There were a couple of nice places in the paper yesterday so we might even be out by the end of next week. It's all happened so fast that I'm still sort of dazed. However we have been through this before in the bungalow before this one so I know it's something we're capable of coping with.

In my 'family' we pull together in times of crisis and then when the crisis ends everything goes back to normal. That's what happened last week when Aaron was in Malta and it's what's going to happen now. I kinda like it when we're having a crisis because it means I get some freedom. Sometimes I wonder if I cause these crisises by wanting some freedom or whether it's just fate.

Moving should also be good for my spiritual work. I'm hoping we might be able to go back to the house I felt most comfortable in but I don't think it's going to happen (Saxon Close). We lived there when I first started studying witchcraft and it always felt like the house was welcoming my studies. That was the house where I had my first spiritual crisis and decided to become a Christian (which lasted about two months before I realised where my heart lay). Sometimes I think that crisis has something to do with my wonders about whether there really is some creative being out there who planned everything or not. I think the Big Bang might have been said creative being trying out some chemistry experiments.

When I think about the Big Bang I wonder if there were multiple Bangs that could have created parallel universes. I wonder what my parallel Kayleigh's would be doing. One Kayleigh is probably still living with Mum and Trevor so I feel very sorry for her, especially as she never met the lovely James; another is living in Berkshire with Mum and Aaron, still missing the lovely James; while a third is probably still living in Saxon Close and has met James (I kinda wish I was her but then there may have been other things that happened to her).

In times of stress I seem to get like this. It makes me wonder what things would be like if these crisises didn't happen and how different decisions would change the way life goes. Whenever I make a decision I try to go with the flow, then look back and wonder how things would have been different if I hadn't made the decision. If I hadn't of decided to go to college rather than staying at sixth form (I hated school so why would I spend another two years there?) then I wouldn't have met James. What would life have been like without James? Sad and lonely or would I have got with someone else?

I wish I could go back and see how different decisions do affect things.

Bad news

Today is a day of unexpected bad news. Our landlord is demolishing half our house so we have to find a new place to live some time within the next two weeks. We had no idea until today. He didn't put up one of those bright orange planning permission thingies so I think that what's he's doing is illegal – we should have had a chance to dispute it as it's our home he's going to be demolishing. Mum's trying to find a way round it but I don't think it's going to work out. There's not really a lot she can do because we're on a yearly lease and it's up for renewal this month.

I'm kinda looking forward to finding a new place now. When I heard the news I was pretty devastated because it is my home and it's the last home Sharna had but change can be a good thing. This time we might find a two storey house – I hate bungalows as there's never really any privacy – and I might have a bigger room. Of course there's no guarantee that it anything will happen the way I want it to but I'm always hopeful.

Moving could be good for me. I might find somewhere I can work because this place hasn't been good for my writing. This house is lovely so it would be nice to stay here, but then if I stay I might never get anything done. It's never been somewhere I've been particularly productive. I've got this image of a lovely large room where I feel comfortable, have enough space, and feel safe away from Aaron.

I should really be packing right now but I can't. I haven't got any boxes to put anything in so I'm watching James play Zelda: Twilight Princess and writing this journal entry. Hopefully I'll be able to post the entries I've done tonight when Aaron goes to pick up Mum.

Tonight I'll either be packing or writing. It shouldn't take me too long to pack everything up as I haven't got a lot of stuff in this room – most of it is still in boxes in the spare room as there really isn't much space in this room compared to my old room. This is the better room of the two though as the other house had damp problems so everything went mouldy and I had to chuck a load of stuff out. However I am hoping for a larger room so I can get another bookcase. Being able to put all my books on a bookcase will be nice.