Tags: moving on

Meness

Today is the first day of writing LiveJournal updates on my netbook so I can put them on LiveJournal at a later date. It's kinda cool because I love my netbook (it's a shiny black Toshiba, although the shiny isn't so good as I can't keep it clean) and I don't feel like I've been using it enough for the reason it was actually bought for. So far I've spent most of my time playing solitaire rather than doing any writing at all, even though I bought it so I can write in bed while watching telly. I hate always having to turn the telly round so I can watch it while I'm sitting at the desk. It's not like I even really watch it while I'm writing anyway – it's just in the background and I pay no attention to it most of the time. The rest of the time I watch it rather than writing which isn't good. I prefer listening to music as I can listen to the words without being drawn into a storyline.

So the plan is to write some short stories based around my main novels and maybe post them here if anyone is interested. If no-one is interested I'll probably post one up anyway and see if I get any feedback, then decide whether to go on with it. I may put it under a filter so people who have no interest in reading my awful writing don't have to. Then those who are interested can be added to the filter. It might help me get somewhere with the one novel I really want to get written. If anyone is interested in reading my stories let me know. I may even have a couple done if I can't get on the net for a while. It's also possible I may have written nothing at all.

Writing is the only thing I've ever really wanted to do as a career. I've never been one of these nine to five people – I like being able to work when I feel I can and not work on the days when I'm feeling awful, especially as those days can be pretty regular at the moment. I think that James understand my need to focus on my writing for a couple of years but no-one else in my family seems to. Mum's never really told me her opinion, but then she lives in a bubble most of the time, and Nan thinks I should have some sort of job right now, which I understand, but there are some days when I don't even feel able to get dressed.

That makes me seem like I'm out for sympathy when I'm not. I've never been diagnosed with any problems so it's not as though I have a medical reason for not feeling up to doing stuff. I sometimes wonder if I have some form of depression but I spent so much time in the doctor's surgery when I was a child, mostly because I suffered from stress related rashes, that I absolutely hate going now as I always feel like I'm wasting their time. I guess that what I'm feeling now is probably due to stress so I'm just going to see what happens when I finally move into a less stressful atmosphere for good.

Of course that's unlikely to happen anytime soon. Being unemployed isn't very good when it comes to moving out. James is applying to join the RAF so hopefully something will happen with that sometime soon (he sent his medical records off a couple of weeks ago because he has an enlarged vertabrae in his neck) but then he'll probably be in training for six months as he wants to be a pilot if he gets in. Then if things work out we'll get a place together. We have lived together before so it can work even though he hates me being so untidy. I can understand that because I hate being untidy but it seems that I just can't keep my stuff tidy no matter how hard I try.

I don't think it helps that I keep buying books. I swear it's an addiction. There's just something about opening a new, or second hand, book that makes me feel happy, especially if it's a book in one of the many series' I collect. Being a part of something that isn't my life makes me feel better a lot of the time. I just hate it when the book ends. I can't tell what's worse – a cliffhanger or the end of a series. I also hate it when the story doesn't go the way I want it to. I think both of those things are part of the reason I want to write. Writing my own books will mean I can make things go the way I want them to and as the characters were created in my head their story will never really end.

Random post

Three days in a row... fabulous. This isn't going to last though. Tomorrow Aaron comes home and life goes back to normal (well as normal as my 'family' gets. I shall be writing things on my laptop and then posting when I can get on the net. I hope he finds a job soon so I have freedom during the day.

That wasn't the reason for this post however. I was wondering about my need to get to know people. Most of the people I'm close to are either people I've met on the net or that I'm penpals with because I've had enough of trying to see what's behind a person's mask. I find with writing people are most honest and open. For some reason I don't believe people can lie when writing - they can tell stories but not lie. I'm not sure if it's a stupid belief or not. The only people I really spend time with are James, Mum and Nan; I only fully trust James because I feel I can't really trust my family most of the time.

Anyway if I add you as a friend it's because I want to get to know you. Maybe become friends. I want to make friends with 'real' people too but I'm terrified of being hurt again. James and I have had several discussions about the fact I don't really leave the house unless I'm going to Nan's and that I need to move on but it's not that easy for me. I'm working on moving on but it's going to take time. I need that time to strengthen myself again and become me again rather than some battered thing vaguely resembling the person I once was.

I really can't stick to a subject.