Tags: nan

I'm fed up with putting a subject... lol

Well this week, so far, hasn't been very productive for me at all. There are things I want (need is probably the better word) to do but I just can't do them. I'm not entirely sure what is that's stopping me. Being locked in my room just in case something happens isn't helping and not eating anything apart from crisps and sweets isn't really making my energy levels rise. I am tired; I am hungry; and my emotions have stopped working... again.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have emotions. I just shut off. The only two things I really feel right now are anger (most of which gets focused at James even though it's not his fault) or absolute depression. It's been a long time since I've hit that big black pit, thank whoever it is that's currently looking over me, but I'm still having major problems. I don't know if these are problems related to the last eleven (ish) years or my childhood. If it is related to my childhood (if I can count those years as a childhood) then I really need to find a way to get my memories of that time back. I've been thinking about writing a history of me but I think I'd probably bore everyone. It would be good for me though, I think.

I feel really bad when I complain about my life. I know in relation to some people I've had a really good life but sometimes it's overwhelming for me. If things hadn't of happened the way they did then I would be a different person. I'm just not sure how different I would be. Right now I wish I was more sociable, more open, more trusting and trusted people more. I am none of those things and it's pretty depressing.

Maybe I could force myself to socialise. I just don't think it would do me any good right now. Trying to connect with people I have barely anything in common with is so very difficult for me most of the time. The silly thing is I like people in general. It would be nice to have people in my life I felt I actually had something to talk to them about. Most of the people I know don't often sit and have philosophical or religious discussions, which is what I really need. I need to be able to be open about who I am.

I've been thinking a lot today about religious things; about the deities that are appearing in my life; about the totem animals I believe I have. Right now I'm strangely annoyed at the fact I believe one of my main totem animals is the wolf – it's so cliché. I don't want to be a cliché. I just feel this connection so deeply that I know I'm right. Then there's my worry about the eclectic collection of deties that seem to be becoming a part of my life. How do I connect to Greek culture? I'm not Greek and yet there is a huge group of Greek deities that seem to want to be a part of my life. Then there's Bast. I connect even less to the Egyptian culture, even though I've always been obssessed with studying it (a long story connected to moving schools – I studied the Tudors three times!).And the newest one is Epona who is finally a Goddess I belive I should be connecting with because she's Celtic. The only problem is the fact she's a horse Goddess and I don't understand why I have a new, random, connection to horses. It's kind of confusing. I want to know what is happening but right now I can't. My energy is all over the place so doing anything like that probably wouldn't work out.

The way I feel now is the reason I want a two storey house. At least then I wouldn't be so close to Aaron and having to deal with his energy suckiness. Whenever he's in the house I always feel like crap. I'm still ill as well which isn't helping. If I could be upstairs, a whole floor away from him, I think I'd feel better. Of course this could just be wishful thinking because we haven't lived in a two storey house for years (I think around 7 or 8 years).

They went to see a place last night but thankfully it wasn't any good. It was right in Bognor town and that's somewhere I really don't want to live. It's a long drive for James if I'm in Bognor so he wouldn't be able to come over so often. I'll also be further away from Nan and I don't want that. I like being able to walk up there whenever I want. They have to find a place in Pagham.

James and I got into an argument. I didn't see him today but he rang me to tell me about the problem he was having with his bank card and proceeded to change our plans for the day. He knows I hate it when he does that – I need structure in my life. It was of course somebody else's fault for not contacting him though. That wasn't why we argued, even though I told him changing our plans wasn't going to make me happy. We got into an argument because he's drinking more than he has done in the rest of our relationship (it's been going on for about the last six months) and I worry about him drinking too much. He says he understands why but I don't really think he does. If he did understand my worries he wouldn't make me feel so paranoid and stupid. To him it's all a part of being young so he acts as though he has a right to binge drink 'sometimes'. I just don't get it. Drinking is bad.

Feel free to disagree with me on that.

I've got some new art materials. I found some pearlescent medium that I hope will work and some pretty metallic acrylics. Tonight I'm going to buy some other materials, such as paper, canvasses and pastels. Then when I'm not writing I can focus on my art. I just hope I can draw the things I want to draw without screwing them up. I got a new putty rubber because I know I'll go wrong and can't wait to use it. I've always loved putty rubbers. At some point I need to get my watercolours out again but they remind me a lot of Granddad.

Facebook Sharna

I entirely blame Allie for the need to write this. I was just on her website reading about Karli and Callie which made me feel the need to write about the most special friend I ever had.

Sharna was more that a dog. She was my sister really because I'd had her since I was six. We supported each other through the bad times and she never judged me for who I was or the mistakes I was making. There must have been times when she disliked me, especially when I used to blast my music and try to get her to dance with me, but she never turned her back on me.

She never ate the food she was meant to have when she was a puppy. It did look very disgusting so I wasn't surprised she hated it. It turned out she preferred a cup of tea and a slice of toast with marmite on for breakfast. Until the last day of her life her breakfast was a cup of tea and a slice of toast. She also liked Weetabix so that was what she ate when she was young. That or porridge when it was cold.

When she was young she spent a lot of time at the vets because she was losing her fur. We found out she was allergic to something in dog food. That was so typical of her - only Sharna would be allergic to dog food. After that we started making her dinner specially - some days it would be mince and vegetables, other days it would be fish, then once a week she would have Weetabix with an egg. On Christmas Day she'd have her Christmas dinner.

She was always the best things about Christmas. Wrapping paper was one of her favourite things to destroy so now things will never be the same. She's not there to help me open my Christmas presents. She also used to love Christmas crackers. We had to get her a cheap set every year so she could make her own bangs. Of course that did mean we had to get the bits from the cracker away from her as quickly as possible otherwise she would have torn the hats to shreds.

She would shred any paper left on the floor. Tissues were another of her favourites so we always knew when she'd found a tissue as it would be scattered all over the floor. When she was young she'd eat anything - crayons, shoes (I had a pair of hedgehog slippers that she liked to chew on the noses of), and my homework. Mum had to go into my school once to explain that the dog really had eaten my homework and it wasn't just an excuse.

It wasn't as though she didn't have enough toys of her own to play with. She had squeeky toys that she liked to leave in strategic places so she'd always know where you were at night if you came downstairs. Her favourite toy was the rope because she could throw that. It nearly went through the TV several times because of her enthusiastic tossing. It got taken away from her after a while because she was dangerous with it.

As she got older I used to wear her out by walking her. We used to really enjoy our afternoon walks and because we lived near a lagoon she used to enjoy paddling. She never learnt to swim. I used to throw rocks into the lagoon just to see if she'd chase them but she never did. (I soon found out that other dogs did chase stones but thankfully they learnt to swim very quickly). Usually she'd give me a look that said 'if you want the stone/stick/whatever it is you've thrown so badly then you get it'. The only thing she would chase was a tennis ball.

Another thing she enjoyed paddling in was mud. She loved mud. If she could get muddy or wet or both while walking she was happy. If there was a puddle she'd missed while on a walk she's make sure she dragged you back to it just so she could walk through it. We used to try to stop her from going through especially muddy puddles but she was having none of it.

One time when we were out walking we were going across mud flats. We were with the whole family and they were avoiding the mud but I was following Sharna. I can still remember the disgusted look she gave me when I got my foot stuck (and lost a jelly shoe). We had to get another pair of jelly shoes after that and I was lucky I kept both of them. On another walk we ended up having to travel across some deep water. Nan and Grandad had to go slowly because they had no shoes on and Grandad had diabetes which meant he couldn't feel his feet properly. Mum and I went across first with Sharna, then Mum left me to go to help Nan and Grandad. When Sharna realised when Nan and Grandad were she decided she had to help too. Mum had told me to hold on to Sharna so I did, even when she was hurtling back towards Nan and Grandad. Nan had to yell at me to let go of the lead. Mum took Sharna back and I stayed to help, which was when my shoe came off. Luckily Mum put her hand down in time to catch it as it floated past thanks to Nan's yell.

Sharna used to like playing with rabbits because we had some. She used to snuffle at them and they used to sit there and let her. When we came across wild rabbits she must have thought they were going to play with her too, but they weren't interested. Instead they ran away so Sharna used to chase them. She never caught them though.

Even though we had cats she never liked them. One day when she was visiting Mum's husband's parents she chased their cat out of it's own house and then ate it's food. That was so typical of her.

To be honest she'd do anything for food. Usually she'd just drool at you until you gave in. She loved fruit, especially apple cores, yoghurt (she used to lick out the pots) and white wine. Nan always bought boxes of wine and she used to give Sharna the bag when she was finished. Sharna used to suck out all the wine she could, then play with the plug thing. She never had a lot but it used to be one of her treats.

Sometimes she'd also eat things that weren't food. One day I came home to find that she's been ill and there was something unusual there. I thought it was a pork chop bone or something like that but it turned out she'd swallowed the wooden doorstep whole. There were no tooth marks on it at all so it was obvious she'd somehow managed to swallow it.

As she got older I was the one who usually cleaned up after her accidents. I didn't mind because I knew it wasn't her fault. Then her back hips went because of her arthritis and it got to the point where we'd have to carry her around sometimes. She wasn't a light dog so it was always difficult if you were alone with her. She used to play it up with me because she knew I'd always help her up. In some ways she was just lazy. She also got deaf but she could always hear the opening of a crisp packet or someone biting into an apple, even if she was outside. It was magic.

I miss her now and I know there will never be another dog like her. Some days she comes back - I've heard her walking around the house, usually at three o'clock in the morning, which was the normal time for her night wanderings. I know that wherever she is she's with Grandad but that doesn't alway help because I want her to be here with me.